life of a fool

troubled...

Sun, 18 Sep 2005 00:31:09 GMT

i just came in a little while ago, most of the day i have been back at my target range, fireing off rounds, using my old 30-06... i usualy shoot when i need to clear my head, every once in a while, and somthing has been on my mind alot as of late, my one friend.

This person will remain namless for now, but it just...it just feels like when i talk to this person, i feel like im either A: unwanted. or B: ignored.

This person is going through alot right now, all sorts of stuff i can only imagine, and all i want to do is find someway, anyway to cheer this person up... and i fail, time and time over, i realy care about this person, i think highly of this indavidual, and admire this person for being so strong, through all they have gone through... But i hate feeling so powerless, so week, so insagnifigant...fucking usless.

This person has told me before they they consider my a good friend...but lately, im starting to doubt it... for now, i will shove that thought away, i have no proof that this person dislikes me, so i shouldent jump to assumptions.

But still, i just wish there was somthing i could do, i wish there was a way i wouldent feel so powerless...

life has a terible sence of humor....

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 03:41:42 GMT

You know, life is funny, i meet a girl, girl is nice, girl is cute, girl likes me back....3 days later, she dumps me like a sack of crap in the middle of interstate 80... i find it amusing, so very intresting...

i'll admit, i was hurt by this, even if it was 3 days, she was nice, sweet, and i dont care how you slice the pie, it sucks when trust sombody and then they just kinda crap on you...but im more curious as to what i did wrong...was it me? was it somthing i said? is there somthing wrong with me?

thease questions have been running through my head all day, and i just...i dont know...i just wish i was good enough for pepole...

why the hell cant i ever just... be good enough for the pepole in my life?

im so alone...

i met a girl...

Tue, 13 Sep 2005 01:31:52 GMT

I cant belive it! i just cant belive it! i never thought it would happen!!

i met...the most wonderful, cutest, pretyest girl, i have ever met...

Shes cute, almost the the point of down right adorable. Shes funny, and thinks i am too! And she has the pretyest eyes... i cant help but get sucked into them.

We talked, over the phone, for hours on end, i was at my friend Mikes place, sitting out on his porch, it was freezing out and god did i ever love it (im like a huskey, im built for the arctic) and we just talked, and talked, and talked...somtimes we didnt even talk, we just sat there and listened to eachother go 'hmm' or giggle, on ocasion...then i just kinda blurted it out, and said "will you go out with me" and she said yes!!!!!! sweet wonderful glorious, yesss!!!!!

Im head over heels, happy as a clam! i have never felt like this, i cant stop thinking about her! she is on my mind every waking second! .... unfortunatly, this can prove to be a problem, since i am known for having a perverted brain, but i just slap myself and remind myself she is a lady, not a pice of meat...but damn...can ya blame a guy?

Even if i am still a bit confuesd as to why she likes me, i sure as hell am not about to complain! I feel like i went to vagus and hit the jackpot 5 times in a row!!

i never thought this could happen to me...i feel like the luckiest guy in the world

intresting...verry intresting

Sun, 04 Sep 2005 12:28:54 GMT

Well, once again, i think there is sombody looking out for me up in that big old heaven above earth.

I had an intresting as hell weekend... Saturday, it was 4 or so, i was sitting at my comp, depressed, like i have been foe the past several days, when out of noware, by best buddy Mike shows up, scares the bajeebers outa me with a big ol' BOO! behind me, jumped 5 feet outa my seat, but thats Mike for ya.

We talked for a while, chought up, had been a good 3 weeks since we last seen eachother, then came to the conclusion, that a good old fashioned adventure was in order!

we nearly stalled in the middle of a highway, played som kinda odd, but fun dice game (Farkle) at Perkins, drinking coffee till about midnight, went over to his friends place and watched the full 9 epasode live action series of, The Tick! and stayed up till all hours in the morning, i think total i got about 1 hour of sleep...but ya know...i needed somthing crazy like this ti clear my head, to think about thing, and take my mind of my toubles for a while.

well, its 8:30 in the morning, and i need to be heading out, need to get to church, later!

not myself...

Sat, 03 Sep 2005 05:23:17 GMT

Im losing it...i realy am.

Im not me anymore, i used to be happy, pleasent, positive... every day i wake up, i dred everything... my family, my friends, nuthing is what it used to be, and im slowly slipping into a pool of saddness, even now, its hard for me to type this, my eyes are so gumed up with tears...

i miss my life, i miss being able to be happy with my friends. Hell, i miss my friends!!

Lillie is always so distant, i feel like im just alienating her every time i try to talk with her, because she is so busy... Info isnt even his old self, this morning i thought i was going to lose him...i was scared, he is one of the best friends i have, and i dont know what i would do...

X and me dont even seem to talk like we used to, always so distant, we have become so diferent from eachother, i feel like our friendship is dieing...

not to mention an ass hole by the name of Eric Waldren (AKA Till) practicaly stabbed me in the back.
He asks me to do a comission for him,and i dont do comissions...ever! But, since i know him IRL, and seemed like a nice guy, i siad yes.

Now being as i am usualy slow with requests and comissions, i dont get around to them for weeks, somtimes... but he was bitching at me, not even a day after he requested the comission.

and when i tryed to explain that i have been very depressed, and didnt feel much like drawing, i find out latter that he was bad mouthing me behind my back (sisters can be useful sourses of information) stating that "he practicaly wanted a pitty party thrown for him" well exuse the FUCK out of me for being a normal, emotional human being, with my own issues and problems!!

...i feel so angry...sad...hurt...everything just pours out on me.

im going to go to bed soon...cry myself to sleep...im so worn, this being sad business is stressful.

getting a bit better...

Wed, 17 Aug 2005 19:23:18 GMT

Im feeling a bit better today, sorta, im not exactly depressed, but im not happy either.

Things with my sister Hannah are getting better, other then a small argument of who was funnyer on M.A.S.H. ... Hawkeye is funnery then Klinger, any day of the week >_>

Also, i think i will call my Dad latter today, i miss him bad, maybe we can set somthing up to go see a movie, i hear The Dukes OF Hazard was funny as hell, and i cant help but get this big smirk on my face every time i hear the General Lee's horn ^_____^

about the only thing thats been bad with this day so far, is that i woke up with a massave head ache, i didnt sleep well at all, and i havent been for several days now.

So far so good, but its only 3:22 in the afternoon, i wont hold my breath...

useless...

Mon, 15 Aug 2005 03:49:44 GMT

ok, first entry into this thing, sad to say it wont be on a positive note.

i just talked with my friend, Lillie, and dear sweet god, i miss her, i realy dont knwo why, i guess its because i feel i can realy talk to her, and be honest, and am 100% sure she is being honest right with me...i have a very select number of friends who can do that.

Im also worried about her, so little i can do to help her, i worry about her, her daughter, and all the while, i feel powerless to do anything...wonderfull feeling, eh?

Also worried about my one friend from Sweden, he hasent been the best lately, and is getting worse, i can tell, and once again, i feel like i cant do dick shit about it.

And it realy dosent help matters that im not the best myself, im drained, stressed.

My sisters are driving me nuts, just totaly nuts, with my one sister, Racheal, who i use to be very close with, is pushig me away, now that she has her boyfriend...and its imposible to be mad about it, because i know her boyfriend well, he is a great guy, and i know he will treat my baby sis with extream respect... im happy as can be about that, but gee, once again, i feel useless...

As of my other sister, Hannah, it has been a mental and power strugle 24/7 with her, over every damn little thing, food, phone, hell, even air, we manage to battle with eachother over it... and its always the same shit, but the phone line is the biggest issue, since she ALSO has a BF and whom i ALSO like.
And every evening, i sit down, stressed from the untamed estrogen filled with spite and tension that fills the air of my house all damn day, to be on my computer for a while.
And of course...it wont dial through, and i pick up the phone and its "BILLY GET OFF THE F###ING COMPUTER!!" the second i pick up the phone to see whats what.... im sick of fighting with her, over every damn thing, and one of thease days, im going to haul off and slap her, and state the fact that she is an imature bitch...

I miss my friends, i miss my life, and i miss what little normality was in my house, ever so long ago...